12-23-2006, 08:46 AM
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers:
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: " TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right at 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
Tower: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was
your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
roll-out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right at the end of the
runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
While taxiing at Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing
for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know
it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God! Now you have screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you
to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour,
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the
irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: " Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite an arrogant impatience): "Speedbird, have you not been
to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --- And I
didn't land."
:lol: :lol: :ph34r:
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: " TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right at 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
Tower: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was
your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
roll-out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right at the end of the
runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
While taxiing at Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing
for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know
it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God! Now you have screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you
to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour,
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the
irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: " Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite an arrogant impatience): "Speedbird, have you not been
to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --- And I
didn't land."
:lol: :lol: :ph34r: