For those of you that know me well, I have a little issue in my family that just grew to huge proportions about 20 min. ago.
See here for the run-down.
http://www.focuscanada.net/forum/index.php...38&hl=my+future
Well it happened. I got the call the this afternoon, my brother-in-law is gonna marry his cow of a girlfriend. He asked her last night.
:(
I'm sick to my stomach and scared for him. I love him like a brother and don't know what to do.
He told me over the phone all excited and I just sat there silent....All I could say was way to go!
No congrats no nothing....It was probably one of the top 3 most akward conversations of my 30 years of living.
I spoke to him about her a while ago after one of her abusive trips on him for staying at my place over night last summer washing cars and drinking beer. I told him out right I didin't like her, and was worried about his mental well-being. I planned on talking to him about her so I was sure to tip back about 18 beers before I had the guts to confront him about it.
Now it's at a whole other level, he's marrying an abusive cow with issues of her own. Gawd, I'm trembeling here. This woman has made comments at the family dinner table that have made me nearly choke. If Jennifer were to EVER say anything like the things she does about me in front of my family....Oh man, I have no idea what my sister and Brother would do. She puts him down, calls him stupid, bosses him around, calls him every 15 min. if they're apart etc....
I'm afraid she's trapped him. She's currently in school (law) at Laurier in Ottawa and has another 2 years or so to go, he's working full-time at Swish in Ottawa. He moved out there to be with her while she was in school because she didn't think it would be right having him live here while she was out there for that whole time...jusus. He pays the bills, cleans the house etc.... while she chomps at the bit for this and that. It makes me sick to be in the same f u cking room as her. I drink when she's around...heavy, that's how bad it is. Andrew and I are VERY close. and if she's around, booze is the only way I can cope. I pull out the RYE...and I'm not allowed to drink RYE.
WTF does a brother do in this situation? Do I call him and tell him I don't agree with it? is it my place to say, is it my buisiness to get involved?
I'm positive I'll be in his wedding party.... How can I stand there and vouch for a marriage I don't believe is right???
His mother isn't particularily fond of her, his brother can't stand her either, and Jennifer has mixed emotions about her....And me...well I out right HATE the woman. I said the word, And I don't use it often. His mother said, "I either accept it...or I lose a son" WOW. I hope they didn;t say the same when I asked Jennifer. :blink:
How do I stop my best friend from making the worst mistake of his life?????
Sorry guys...Anthony is choked up here, confused, and at a loss of words. :(
if I was in this situation, I'd probably be the one to stand when the pirest says 'is there anyone who has a problem.. etc, etc' and say it then.
guaranteed after you stand up and say something, the other members of his family will chime in (hopefully =/)
The answer is clear.
You're going to have to sleep with her. And take pics to prove it.
A good friend will bite the bullet....
Ahhh, just joking.It's hard to see your friend making mistake, but ultimately the mistake is his to make. The best you can do is tell him how you feel, remind him that either way you're his friend and that's why you need to tell him.
Look, if she's the beotch you say she is, she's going to kill your friendship anyways. So telling him how you feel isn't going to make things much worse.
You can try to remind him that if things are bad, it WILL NOT get better after he marries. You CANNOT change people, as bad as you may want to try.
In the end, he might go ahead anyways. But at least if things fall apart he'll remember that you tried to warn him.
My opinion anyways. Take it from the guy that was married to a beotch of his own.
I was in a similar position... tho the ex wasn't quite so demeaning all the time. Lucky for me, she did what she forbade me to do.. went out with coworkers (she was afraid I'd end up cheating on her).. and she cheated on me.
Oftentimes, I find that people hold tightest the control they don't have for themselves.
Anyways, all you can do is have a chat with him.. it's time for the family to stand up before it's honestly too late. But don't address it in too negative a way... point out your concerns about her, and how you're concerned for him and his happiness. That things don't improve after marriage, and that marriage is forever... that if he's truly happy about the way she treats him, that's his perrogative, but how is she going to be when they have kids and whatnot as well. In time, it's not just about his own wellbeing, but for the wellbeing of their kids.
That if he's the least bit unhappy and can't find a way out now, it's only going to get harder later on.
But who knows, maybe he's truly happy with her. has he never mentioned concerns about her treatment of him? I mean, there are some people that are just happy that way... but if he's had concerns, you can at least move forward with that.
Another thing.. since it's nearly an inevitability she's going to ruin his other friendships and family relationships, it may be time to start speaking up when she's around. Don't let her mistreatment of him around yourself or family go unchallenged.
Good luck man... invite her and her friends over, I'll come over and we can make a game of it.
I just had a good conversation with Jen about it. She's not overly thrilled about the whole thing either :(
It's really unfortunate because when Jennifer and I annonced it to the family we were getting married, the world stopped. Her mom phoned everyone she knew, her Dad spoke to me on the phone personally and congratulated me etc... and this time, the family is just so blazé about it. If the family were so ho-hum about me and Jennifer, I'd have been asking some pretty heavy question pretty damn quick.
The whole suggestion about calling her out when she belittles him in front of the family / public is a good idea. We all talk as a family about these instances AFTER they happen when they're not around. I've personally been quiet about the whole thing lately. The family knows how I feel about her, I don;t need to keep bringing it up anymore. They do that themselves.
I dunno guys, I can't help to feel my brother may getting into something far greater than he understands. If things are s***ty before you get married....they're going to be s***ty after you say your vows.
I just wish I could accept it.
But I can't.
This is one of those classic "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situations.
A co-worker recently went through something similar in that he had his brother and sister in law living with him in his basement along with their two kids, this arrangement had been going on for two years.
The sister in law was an absolute freakin' terror to his brother and their kids, yelling at them for no discernable reason, demanding that her husband do any chores she didn't feel like doing while she decided to go for a nap in the middle of the day.
This had been going on since they moved in and about a month ago my co-worker finally snapped and told her that he didn't appreciate her method of communication (Yelling and throwing tantrums when people didn't do exactly what she wanted)
Within two weeks they had "magically" found a house to buy and moved out. Now my co-worker is terrified he won't see his nephews anymore because she's bent on "revenge" for getting called on her behaviour.
As an outsider to the situation (but a witness to her behaviour that I wouldn't tolerate from a 6 year old NVM a woman in her 40's :rolleyes: ) all I could say to him was that he had to deal with it as he saw fit, he would be the one who would have to deal with any repercussions...
Anthony, only you can decide if calling her on her behaviour is worth whatever may happen next, but I'm sure whatever decision you do end up making, you'll make it with only good intentions and a clear conscience.
NefCanuck
You have to have large balls to do this.
I've been through this twice.
Once with a buddy (I told him, I was in the wedding party) and once with my sister (I didn't speak up)
Both mariages ended in disaster within 18 months.
My sister tells me I should have spoke up. I didn't like the guy. I did however tell her I wasn't excited about the fact they were getting married after 12 months of dating. And he was away travelling for 6 of those months.
And my buddy, he was quite pissed at me. But he got over it. But she drew a wedge between us and we drifted apart as friends quickly. She was so possesive of him it drove him to the brink of insanity. Remember the guy who set the mosques on fire? That was my buddy. They eventually broke up but we never reconciled. Life moves forward as difficult as things may be, there are always different paths and adventures with new friends around the corner.
Kinda like breakin up with you guys.
The answer is clear.
It's hard to see your friend making mistake, but ultimately the mistake is his to make. The best you can do is tell him how you feel, remind him that either way you're his friend and that's why you need to tell him.
Tony - LIFE IS TO SHORT IF YOU LOVE YOUR BROTHER THE WAY YOU SAY YOU DO ...THEN TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL BRO BECAUSE YOU KNOW HIM BEST!!!
Interesting to read this because I'm in a similar situation with my sister. She started dating a guy she met on the internet. It's not like he's a total asshat like your bro in laws girl is a biatch but he's a total loser with nothing going for him. He works a deadend job that pays very low, he's a total goof, has no ambition and it's been rubbing off on my sister. The guy is 36 and has a s*** box car, no money in the bank, rents a crappy apartment because it's all he can afford and he's creepy as all get out. My sis owns a nice condo, is a manger for Sears travel of 2 locations, used to have lots of ambition, went to the gym regularly (she's a very large girl and at one had lost over a 100 pounds, since starting to see this useless waste of skin she's gained about 80 of it back).
First time I met him, I was just like WTF!!! I didn't even want to shake his hand. The rest of the family thought the same thing. My uncle from Scotland said it just perfectly, "What in the bloody hell are you thinking? Jesus Mary and Joseph almighty!"
My best friend Amanda, who is pretty open to people was so creeped out by the guy that she actually sat on my lap and pressed herself so close to me it was inbelievable. It was the middle of the summer and she had the shivers and goose bumps.
I talked to my sister about it and she just got upset and yelled and screamed at me calling me every name under the sun for not liking him. This was only about a month after they started dating. She didn't talk to me for 4 months. The rest of the family felt the same nut didn't have the balls to say anything because they didn't want her to do the same to them.
I've confronted her 2 more times about to basically the same effect. She has always been the one in our family who never would yell at another family member especially our parents but a few months ago she started really talking down to my parents, treating them like they were old and senile, kinda like this twat talks to his mother. When she got called on it by my dad she freaked out, and told him that if wasn't going to do what she said then she'd put him into a home and he wouldn't be part of her wedding.
When he came to the house to ask my dad's permission to ask for engagement, I was there. My dad called me through and said "Gary's going to do something incredible for his birthday tomorrow, guess what" My answer "Jump out of a plane without a parachute." "No he's asking your sister to marry him." I just walked out of the house and left in a cloud of smoke. My dad called me a while later to come back and see him about. When my mom got home and my dad told her, the neighborhood could hear her scream in disbelief, our one neighbor thought there'd been a death in the family the way she screamed and then curled up crying.
He asked me to be his best man because he only has 2 friends and he didn't think they'd do it for him. I had to say no to that. So I'm dj'ing the wedding and I don't even want to do that. As perfectsaiyan said, I'd like to stand up and say something during the ceremony because that is a contestion to the wedding and I believe that it must not be completed and pronounced as a marriage if someone at the wedding contests it.
I'm at the point that I'm ready to take the f***er out, get him tanked and drop him off at a massage parlour for a happy ending and pay extra to be able to take a couple pictures to send to my sister. Hell, my mom didn't even laugh when I said that to her, she just sat there and went "Hmm." 2 days later she asked how much I thought it would cost.
Like you Anthony, I don't what to do. I also don't know what to suggest except for to talk to him because I was engaged and a friend of mine told me how wrong I was. I told her to screw off. Well she was right and now she's my best friend in the world, it was mighty hard to do but I went crawling back to her to ask for my friendship back. She told me it was the hardest thing she ever did was deciding to talk to me about it, even harder than her decision to leave her husband.
Good luck man, I really hope it works out for you.
Other than suggesting to lure your brother inlaw away with an expensive escort, theres very little you can do.
When someone has their minds made up its hard to convince them otherwise. The more anybody tries to intervine (sp) the worse the situation gets. Unfortunatly its the sad truth. Be a friend and let them know how you feel as you've already done, just make a point that your always there for them.
Thats all I think anybody can do.
I'd love to tell ya there's something you can do, but until your brother-in-law realizes that he's making a mistake there's not much you can do. I went thru this this summer with my buddys brother. Nobody in my buddys family like his fiance, but they couldn't do much. As much as it sucks, just be happy that divource is legal in canada, and hopefully it doesn't take him a lifetime to realize his mistake.
Based on personal experience with one of my former best friends, there is nothing you can do. My bud ended up marrying this brute of a woman. Her father made him sign an agreement that if they divorce she will get the whole $100k wedding gift he was giving them. We told him to walk, but he didn't. Long story short, a best bud that shared his birthdate with me and we always had a great party, was in my wedding party and I in his....well we haven't talked in almost 3 years. I really think he likes the abuse and working at his business all hours while she goes mall hopping all day. Oh, and everyone telling him that they hate her don't help either. :blink:
Here's another spin to really blow your minds, because I don't know how many people know this about me TBH.
A little over 5 years ago now - I was in the exact same position as your BIL (I hate that acronym, but it's quicker). I was living with my G/F who happened to be a childhood friend of quite some time. She's quite large but I really didn't care (or so I thought).
I gave up work I had in Toronto (she's the reason I moved up here to begin with), moved in with her and her 2 kids from a previous bad marriage that she ended... and found myself with nothing. I eventually clawed my way out of the gutter and found stable work. Then, not even a year after finding my feet... I broke my wrist and had to go on EI for 6 or 8 weeks.
I went back to school and met my wife :)
It took us almost 2 years of college and talking now and again to realize there was something serious waiting to happen.
But, back to the ugly. The whole time I was working / looking for work, the ex threatened to kick me out... and actually did once. Like a sad puppy, I was a wreck for the remainder of the day until she "took me back" late that night.
I knew at that point it would never be the same, and ultimately that's what saved me I think. All through school (college), I'd stay late and hit the gym, game on my laptop with my buds (Oscar included), anything to keep me from going home. She would constantly call and tell me she couldn't keep control of the kids and because they saw me as a father they'd listen to me. I burned through I have no idea how much in cash on my pay-as-you-go phone. She call and argue if I was going to the gym afterward... but we had no workout gear otherwise. :rolleyes:
Also, to make matters worse, when she found out that I had extra OSAP cash... she spent as much as she could after "budgeting" some gas and food money for me. She'd constantly call and berate me for this, that or the other thing. I could do no right while I was out of the house.
It was actually at the Christmas party for the course I transferred out of (Computer Programmer) that Sara and I realized that s*** really wasn't going to be the same. It took us the weekend to see that things were definitely becoming an "us" issue.
My ex... to reward me for 2 1/2 years of stalwart fidelity... had already started sleeping with her ex while I'm off to college during the day. She'll deny that, even to this very day, but the number of "visits" by her ex to "see the kids" during the day escalated dramatically once I went back to school.
At first I was outraged, but then it really hit me... it was a great way for my "loyal" mind to rationalize finding another, better person for me. And so I did.
I guess all my rambling means at this point is that while love is blind, there's always hope that your brother-in-law will realize that he's being horribly abused and that he'll take back control of his life.
I did :)
Hey Anthony if shes as bad as you said she is .... i think the thing to do would be fill your bro in on what you see in it (let him know what you see is goin on and also make him aware of what could and possibly will happen if he continues with his plan to marry her). He probably doesnt see just how bad it is or is tryin to "kick it under the carpet" so he doesnt feel bad about it .... but if shes making him do everything around the house and still b*tchin at him i think .... i know he deserves better (and i dont know him, but i do believe that thats not right) i REALLY hope that this gets resolved cause from what you say hes a really cool guy so id hate to see a fun guy loose some critical years that he could be havin fun with someone else or hangin out with his buddies im a brother my self and if my brother was gona get into somthing like that i would DEFENATLY tell him what i thought of the situation , and to me it wouldnt matter how p*ssed he got id know it was for the right reason.
- I hope everything is back to what it should be !
- Good luck!
-Curtis
Does he have any friends? what the f*** is wrong with him.
Listen, get all his friends to come to your house then tell your brother in law to come over and do an intervention.
or
Go to a bar and pay some girl to hit on him. That will boost his convidence up, and when he goes home he may realize that he is dating a cow.
The escort idea work too...........
You have to do this before it gets to late. My friend doesnt speak to us anymore, he actually chose his g/f of 4 months over us. All we hear from his g/f friends is how they fight all the time because he never has anymore money to go out with her........thats cause the bitch spends it all.