09-28-2009, 10:18 PM
Dear Employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, the Management has decided to implement a new scheme to put workers, 50 years of age and above, on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the
SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice, and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED or SCREWED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance)
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much s***
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. We have always prided oueselves
on the amount of s*** we give our employees.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough s***, please bring this to
the attention of your Manager, who has been specially trained to give
you all the s*** you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management
PS: Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and
oil, as well as the current market conditions, the Light at the End of the
Tunnel has been turned off.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, the Management has decided to implement a new scheme to put workers, 50 years of age and above, on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the
SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice, and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED or SCREWED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance)
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much s***
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. We have always prided oueselves
on the amount of s*** we give our employees.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough s***, please bring this to
the attention of your Manager, who has been specially trained to give
you all the s*** you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management
PS: Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and
oil, as well as the current market conditions, the Light at the End of the
Tunnel has been turned off.